apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
