maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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