apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
