if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
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