im about as happy as oj after his trial
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
