no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Randomize