Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
