If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
