I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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