I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
