I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Randomize
