Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
