So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
