My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I lost the right to judge tonight
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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