His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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