Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
It's Friday. Sex?
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Is it because I queefed?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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