Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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