Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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