The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
