My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
