it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
