i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
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