i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
