he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
