Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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