That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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