Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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