Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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