Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Randomize