Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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