Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
