is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
