oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
