you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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