i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
