what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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