it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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