I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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