Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
