it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
he just fucked me for my cheese..
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
