you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Two words: blizzard sex
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
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