First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
