it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
