I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
