the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I'm too high and old for this...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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