he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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