hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
