true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
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