my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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