Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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