It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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