If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
even my farts smell like vagina
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
