all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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