you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
