So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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