the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
