if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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