Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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