My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
