Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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