i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize