When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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